Four Letter Words

Why is it that I could walk up to just about any man I know, say, “Go fuck yourself”, and walk away probably feeling good about myself? Is it because I’m not scared of who I’m saying it to? Is it because I feel confident enough to drop the F-bomb to just about anyone? Is it because I’m drunk and a bitchy?

And why do I have so much trouble talking to someone I really care about and saying, “I love you”? Is it because I’m scared of who I’m saying it to? Is it because I’m not confident enough to use the L-word in certain situations? Is it because I’m intimidated and afraid?

L-O-V-E. It means a lot of different things to everyone. There are so many people in my life to love. I have no trouble voicing that in most cases. I end a great deal of e-mails and phone conversations with those three magic words. I really like for people to know that they are loved. It’s a good feeling, to love and be loved. But what about when love is the chink in your armor; when it has the power to make you totally vulnerable and hurt you?

I feel like it’s such a loaded word. There are expectations and commitments attached that make it such a huge deal, that it’s stressful to say. I don’t want it to be like that this time. Ever since I made the decision to move, I’ve wanted to tell Brandon that I love him. Of course I needed to take his feelings into consideration too, so I decided to wait. That was just not the right time. As we approach the one year mark, I think we should talk about where we are in the whole thing. I’m obviously not ready for any legit commitment, but I care about him so much, I’m not ready to lose him, and I want to know what he’s thinking. He’s incredibly difficult to read emotionally. I honestly couldn’t tell you how much he even likes me. He might have stayed with me through the move just so he didn’t have to do any dirty work. I totally doubt that, but you know what I’m saying here. It seems like I’m going to have to do so much explaining when I finally get the balls to open my mouth. I don’t want him to think I’m looking to get married or that I’m expecting anything from him. He’s just really special to me and I want him to know…without fucking anything up. UGH, how am I supposed to do this?